by Mann Coldher
Species Demopithicus ( abr. Demo), not to be confused with their distant cousins, Republichimps (abr. Chimps), are generally considered evolved from Gigantapithicus, a large primate that lived close to eight million years ago. Mysterious sightings of Demopithicus have occurred in the wilds of the American North West and North East—–particularly in New Hampshire, where wild wooly flannel wearing creatures of all genders are known to abide. It has been noted, however, that pockets of carnivorous blue blooded, red bottomed Chimps nest in the vicinity of Dartmouth.
Known to mythology as Bigfoot or Satchsquash, Demopithicus and its mate, known as the Snatchsquat, have carried forth the genomes of big ideas since the dawning of time. Their contribution to the evolution of Homo Sapiens ( abr. Homo) has been substantial. Chimps, true to their species limitations and in contrast to Demos, are most characterized by small genital parts and a fondness for micromanaging concepts beyond their grasp, thus resulting in a level of incompetence detrimental to the species as a whole.
For example, behavioral scientists have noted that Chimps can manufacture primitive tools to poke at termite mounds or greasy potato-ship bags for feeding purposes. The Demo has evolved to organize the termite collective to actually deliver themselves as food by jumping on the stick-tool, and thereby serving the greater good. Demos prefer french fries over potato-chips.
Chimps, who thrive on the neuroses of grandiose self interest and caged confinement, have adopted the habit of throwing their feces at outsiders or critics and have names like Coulter, Malkin, Linbaugh, Hannity, Wallace or O’Rielly. Demos, however, roam larger than life, mate in the freedom of the wild, and leave their feces where it belongs—-in repose for Chimps to investigate, study, and envy.
Both Chimps and Demos tend toward the spiritual. The difference between the two primates in matters of religion centers on a matrix dividing those that believe creatures, including Homos, are made in God’s image (Demos and Episcopalians) and Chimps, who believe God is made in their image (Evangelical Christians).
The religious and cultural wars are strictly one-way with Chimps, who are forever whining and being ‘reborn’ in attempts to escape the obvious inferiority of their evolutionary development and limited abilities to reason. To this degree, Chimps cannot differentiate between the fantasies of reality and the universality of truth. In this regard, they in fact blaspheme the Bible and simultaneously consider themselves devout.
Christianity for many Chimps is just another cosmetic prosthesis to make them more attractive to divine magical consideration, and saves them from advancing beyond infantile notions of metaphysics—or any physics for that matter. At religious revivals, Chimps madly wave their arms heavenward with eyes rolled back in the manic hope that God will tell them what to do with the ’afterbirth.’ Many speak in tongues, and mangle English when thinking is difficult like the current Chimp President. Always trying to get a leg-up in divine realestate, Chimps are forever soiling their own nests.
One can’t help but feel patronizing about low-watt Chimp religiosity. After all, intelligent Demos live true Christianity, understand Jesus was a Jew, and incorporate the communal well-being of all by following the clearly articulated socialist revelations of the New Testament. Chimps, love the Old Testament, but ignore the parts where one can be stoned to death for wearing a silk tie, polyester suit and nylon toupee.
Chimp moms ignore the word of God in Leviticus, which commands them to destroy all used dinner crockery during periods of menstruation. Chimps, following scripture, sublimate their desires thinking that Sodomites should be turned to pillars of salt for wild animals to lick, and yet sneak about in public restrooms looking for just those wild animals and saltlicks.
Another considerable bone-of-contention between Chimps and Demos is what to do about Homo Sapiens, or Homo’s, whose species differentiation often manifests characteristics from both gene pools. It has all been settled by semantics. Biased 'deciders' have come up with a pseudo-scientific name invented by two German criminal penologists (no pun intended) called ‘Homosexuals‘, derived from the ‘stem-root’ of ‘Homo Sapiens.’
The bigoted epistimology of such a determination flies in the face of what philosophers and scientists have known for ages: nature abhors a vacume and "Out of the crooked timber of humanity, no straight thing was ever made."-—Emmanuel Kant. Kant also advises:"Religion is too important a matter to its devotees to be a subject of ridicule. If they indulge in absurdities they are to be pitied rather than ridiculed."—–or not. Ridicule may be the greater compassion.
In matters of semantic cultural relativity, this ‘scientific’ euphemism corresponds to the word ’colored’ in describing Black human beings, though most chimp bigots don’t consider ‘homosexuals’ human beings. Therefore in Chimp populations, Homos are often subject to discrimination and even expect to being hunted down under the rules of the NRA. History has yet to record whether hunted homosexuals are actually bagged, tied on the hoods of trucks, stored in the freezer and later eaten.
It is suspected, however, that cannibal pervert Jeffery Dahmer was a member of his high school Young Republicans Club. It is known that some alpha Chimp mothers eat their babies and feminize their sons. Others produce obedient warriors that protect the mother hive while she continues to put out eggs.
Nice people tend to call the species-differentiated among their queer family, friends, hair dressers, decorators , models, waiters, actors, ministers, teachers, just folks, closeted athletes or cops and loved ones—- ‘Gay.’ Female ‘Gays’ of the Saphhotic persuasion are called ’Lesbians.’ Sometimes puerile, tribal tattooed, orifice pierced white trash, wearing mullets twenty years out of date and elevated to ‘celebrity’ status on The Jerry Springer Show call such heroic feminists ’Less-be-Friends.’ The group behavior of above said Chimpisssicus includes vandalizing lesbian farms , throwing rocks through windows, burning crosses on the lawn, or spray painting their lipstick suburban houses with epitaphs like “Lezbo’—always mizpelled of course.
Some progress in ‘compassionate conservatism’ has been made by Chimps in the announcement that the American Vice Presidential Daughter, lesbian Mary Cheney, had done herself up a turkey baster miracle. The name of her long-time companion, however, has been removed from official accounts like that of Queen Hatshepsut, the cross-dressing pharaoh of long ago Egypt. If it weren’t for the tabloids exposing the whole story, it might have been announced from Chimp pulpits as a true case of parthogenesis.
The ’Gay’ nomenclature tends to be more characteristic of Demos. But, hey, some Chimps go that way, but are usually called ‘perverts’ and form clubs of unity with names like the ‘Log Cabin’ in an attempt to paint lavender the only true Chimp hero to ascend to the presidency, Abraham Lincoln.
Black folks tend to be Demos and ever sensitive to oppressive bigotry, remember centuries of slavery, and support freedom for all except gays in a transference that staggers the imagination. As AIDS climbs to new heights among their decimated populations, one can only cringe hearing the words: ‘Down Low’ anyone?
Most Chimp Christians prefer the term ‘abomination,’ to describe gays, thus insuring a never-ending supply of ‘born-again’ lucrative 'straightening' fees in the coffers of mega churches. Catholics, stuck with terms like ‘anathema’, are still paying off legal settlements for the depredations of Fathers finger puppet and worrying about pagan themed movies geared to family consumption.
Nothing demonstrates the superiority of Demopithicus over Republichimps more than discourse on origin. Chimps, while embracing the creature comforts of advanced scientific technology, can only postulate a broken linear attempt at intellectual cohesion based on Bible fantasies more in keeping with chaos theory than reason. Demos, however, operate from a strong matrix base of scientific proof, and thus radiate knowledge from multiple sources, the least of which is religious magic.
Nowhere is this more clearly delineated than in the distinctions between candidates for the Republican Party and those of the Democratic Party. All the Chimps, Romney, Huckabee, Thompson, or Dr. Ron Paul believe in ‘creationism’—-a concept that the world is only six thousand years old and that Genesis is actually best represented by movies like ‘Jurassic Park’ or cartoons such as ‘The Flintstones.’ The ‘six thousand’ number is supposedly derived from Bible numerology, but actually speaks to the short attention span, characteristic of Chimps. Obviously, the concept of infinite scale is not possible for primitive Chimps, and thus explains why they create a sky god in their own image. Huckabee, like Char, thinks he can turn back time and reinvent a Christian Garden of Eden without Jews, Islam, or gay snakes.
Naturally, Chimps, so skillful at fantasy, believe that condoms are timeshares and that ’conception’ begins with ’Nookie Green’ and ends with bundling boards in a closed-eye missionary position pretending to be crucifixion. (Footnote *1) Demos believe that embryo debris and stem cells can lead to cures for terrible illness and afflictions. Chimps, believe suffering is the just desserts of non-Christians, the godless or poor, and want to make sure that there is plenty to go around. By witnessing terrible suffering in the world, Chimps can feel better about themselves and thank God they are special. It says so in the Gospel of Shadenfreud.
Chimps thrill at the prospect that an Old Testament mindset will have control over the nuclear red-button that will bring Armageddon. No doubt, entrepreneurial Chimps not chosen among the few to ascend during the ‘Rapture’, will form corporations which retrieve all the ’parts’ left behind: dentures, dams, silicone pads, watches, rings, prostheses, and collections of the most unpleasant nature, much like that of Nazi enterprise.
Unlike Demo Christians, who often follow the more rigorous paths to enlightenment, truly follow the teachings of Jesus for the benefit of all fellow travelers and celebrate the wonders of life, Chimps follow the easier allure of mass delusions and heresy. Chimps love death and destruction, and in this regard, are evil by disposition. How else can one explain why their religious services condone endless war, elevate absolute patriarchy, cannibalism, vampirism and necrophilia? In recent times, their passionate defense of living corpse Terry Shaivo was very ‘Rosemary’s Baby’.
While the above theories may be specious, there is some evidence to support the postulation that Chimps tend toward the satanic. Chimps, because of their evolutionary limitations and gluttonous self indulgence, share mammalian intersection with the Porcine Family, which, similar in appearance, is vastly superior in intellect. Both have cloven hooves. (Author’s note: Republichimps are the only known primates who have cloven hooves, though they are cleverly disguised as hairy feet and/or pedicured works of kitch art. It is believed that Demo satyrs also manifest that characteristic in recessive occurrence. Chimps, so often oblivious to their own nature think satyrs are Jewish holidays.)
Speaking of Demo satyrs, the name ‘Clinton’ is up for historic grabs again. Nothing gets Chimps howling and flinging nasty like the name ‘Clinton‘. Vicious slurs are so common place with Chimpits that they vaguely resemble rap lyrics. For example, when Demo Bill spilled on the blue dress, you would have thought Chicken Little was vindicated. If one were to combine the various Chimp pervert scandals over the past eight years, it would create enough little-blue-dress to create sails for a three mast ship of war.
Clinton’s healthy lust for a bucksome Monica seems rather wholesome compared to Chimp public restroom party-time. Monica might have been the only successful accomplishment of the entire Demo Clinton’s Presidency, while Senator Larry Craig’s contretemps might have been the only success of his Chimp career. Even in failure, Demopithicus succeeds. Nobody would mistake Larry Craig for wide stance winner.
It is worth noting Demo Clinton’s time in office, because he can’t help himself from a spotlight, and can‘t resist being ‘On.’ Fact is, in spite of his keen intellect and generous charisma, Billipithicus was a rotten president and failed to deliver anything of significance to the electorate. He couldn’t pass a comprehensive health bill; created NAFTA’s economic Frankenstein that deprives the nation of ultimate legal sovereignty in matters corporate; failed to defend American borders or enforce immigration laws; failed to establish a true welfare reform bill and instead passed one that penalized poor single working mothers; Supported corporate pork and welfare subsidies; Supported “The Marriage Act’ and “Don’t tell” which are blatant violations of civil rights aimed at gays; Failed to fully respond to the rise of ‘terrorist’ Islam; Sold globalization to China with Wal-Mart’s imprinter; And pretended to be the ’Black President’ without delivering a single benefit to Black suffrage. It’s not that Clinton doesn’t have two morals to rub together, but that he was a failed president. It would be best if he would just shut up and let his exceedingly better half grab the brass ring to which she is so worthy of capturing.
Remember when Howard Dean ‘whooped’ and the Chimp vultures descended to declare him too enthusiastically human? If Romney whooped, you would never know for the strictures of his holy Mormon underwear. It is rumored that Giuliani doesn’t even wear underwear—-much in the school of Chimp, hot-tub Bolton. Chimp, Scooter Libby got caught with streaks when run over by a bus and embarrassed his mother. Enough said.
Hills is quite another matter. Among her equals she reigns supreme and compared to her husband Billipithicus is superior. Although her drawbacks of corporatism and warmongering are troubling, clearly she is destined for greatness. Her poise and discipline under the most withering attacks and vilification have made her a formidable candidate. The fact that she is a woman and held to standards that no Chimps can obtain is a pathetic condemnation of America’s adolescent, sexist, double standard.
That she can still shed a misty tear after all these years in hell is simply incredible. Further, some of her best friends and closest admirers are Homo Sapiens. Brilliance, experience and stamina make her an All-American symbol of hope. She is a heroine that puts the cluster of Chimp want-a-be’s to shame. Besides, anyone who can survive the ordeals of birth and the appalling ego of Bill Clinton, already qualifies to be a superb Presidentesse. Bill will make a great accessory with updated baggage and a gag.
Then there’s Barrack Obama, a phenomena in the turbulent history of ugly American politics, who challenges as avatar the dew point of the country’s racist underpinnings. Obama, fairly new to the game of power has yet to significantly display the advanced leprosy of corruption that operates as a law of gravity in the universe of Congress.
Exceptional sophistication grounded in diversity, community work on Chicago’s South side and polished with an elite education Obama may well be America’s last hope to stem the tide of Republican traitors, who are still bent on destroying the old Republic’s democracy for a few short term profits. Obama’s richly integrated background in the West and Asia, his interracial development history are exceptional pluses to lead a country that has, for too long, been defined as a Chimp Country Club. It may be too soon for a relatively green political prodigy like Obama to take command, but considering the nadir to which America has fallen, it may not be soon enough.
Finally, there is John Edwards, a man so qualified and essentially true to the common, working American that is simply a sign of these dark times that he is not in first place in Democratic minds to lead this nation back to its highest ideals. Edwards’ profound humanity, legal skills, worldliness, and reality based populism make him the natural choice to ‘take back America’ from Daddy Warbucks. The fact that this great man so believes in the heart of America and campaigns for its salvation while carrying the grief of a dying wife and lost child is hero material that few Demos and fewer Chimps are even capable of comprehending..
All-in-all, it can be said that with the possible exception of dotty John Mac Cain and ancient Ron Paul, the collective of Chimps running for the nation’s highest office have less than one ethic or original idea in combination. These simian frauds do not command respect and are little more than mentally delinquent, intellectually feeble, religious ferrets, second-raters, who deserve the scorn and dismissal of American voters fed up with their self interest and vaulted ambition.
Clearly, to any true patriotic American who believes in democracy , the Demos are the only salvation and the choices are exceptional. Chimps should be confined behind bars in federal prison zoos for crimes against humanity and the State. Demopithicus is the future and the destiny for survival of the human species in America.
A priest is in church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions. A man comes in and kneels down. "Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession, These are my sins. Last night I had sex with Nookie Green.
"That is your sin?" "Yes." "You are forgiven. Go out and say one Our Father"
The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels. "Father, it has bee two weeks since my last confession and I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."
The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green is fairly popular. "Those are your sins?" "Yes"
"You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's." The man leaves.
Soon, another enters and kneels down. "Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months."
This time the priest has to ask, "Who is this Nookie Green?"
The man answers, "Just a woman I know." "Very well," says the priest. "Go out and say ten Hail Mary's."
The priest soon closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who on earth the Nookie Green woman is.
The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation preparing to start his sermon when the doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, wearing a green sequined dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it.
She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart. The priest cannot help but stare.
He finally catches himself and leans over and says to the altar boy, "Pssssst…. Is that Nookie Green?"
The altar boy has a look and replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes. "