‘Bible Babble’


The Times October 05, 2005

“Catholic Church no longer swears by truth of the Bible”

The hierarchy [ a few Bishops] of the Roman Catholic Church has published a teaching document instructing the faithful that some parts of the Bible are not actually true.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT

UNTRUE

Genesis ii, 21-22

So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept he took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh; and the rib which the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man

Genesis iii, 16

God said to the woman [after she was beguiled by the serpent]: “I will greatly multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children, yet your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.”

Matthew xxvii, 25

The words of the crowd: “His blood be on us and on our children.”

Revelation xix,20

And the beast was captured, and with it the false prophet who in its presence had worked the signs by which he deceived those who had received the mark of the beast and those who worshipped its image. These two were thrown alive into the lake of fire that burns with brimstone.”

TRUE

Exodus iii, 14

God reveals himself to Moses as: “I am who I am.”

Leviticus xxvi,12

“I will be your God, and you shall be my people.”

Exodus xx,1-17

The Ten Commandments

Matthew v,7

The Sermon on the Mount

Mark viii,29

Peter declares Jesus to be the Christ

Luke i

The Virgin Birth

John xx,28

Proof of bodily resurrection

JOIN THE DEBATE
www.timesonline.co.uk/debate

Our take on the debate:

(1.) Gensis etc. and so forth and ad nauseam:

We especially enjoy Gensis because if it is literally ‘God’s’ word made manifest, then the following logically follows. This is not for the squeemish and if taboo subjects get your holy writ in a bunch then don’t read further. Here we go.

Genesis ii, 21-22

So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept he took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh; and the rib which the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man .

It says woman, not women, not assorted females nor even Barbie, the Limited Eden Addition. WOMAN. Now, after Cain snuffed out Able in a jealous rage and gay panic ( more about that following) and the original Flintstones were kicked out of their precious first gated community Baby Seth appears—-somehow. The importance of Seth and the banished Cain is that they are the fathers of the human race as we now know it. This and that happens and then the Bible fast forwards to Noah and history’s first mega yacht.

But, let’s consider: where did Mrs. Cain and Mrs. Seth come from? Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Is this part of the Bible as creepy as a Faulkner novel?— or a Tennessee Williams play? Next time a fundi family member, neighbor, or those psychos who leave bad holy comics wedged in your screendoor, raise the Biblical authority, simply remind them that mankind evolved from incest. It’s says as much in Gensis.

As for Cain and Able it seems so gay rage. Here’s how it goes: Able was most pleasing in God’s eyes and made a beautiful, lovely decorated altar in God’s honor. God was most delighted and says so in the Bible telling of this first ever Home Improvement account. Cain, however, was a wooley ner’do well, who had absolutely no taste and was stingy to boot. Cain made a nasty, ugly little altar that mightly pissed off the Cosmic One and He said so, driving Cain to kill his brother Able in a fit of rage. Amen

NEXT:

(2.)

Luke i

The Virgin Birth:  Baarrhaaaaahaaa!!         Our interpretation: Yeah Right.

John xx,28

Proof of bodily resurrection

Do you think Neo-Cons can even get resurrections?

I guess we’ll just have to leave all these horny thorny theological mysteries up to the Devil with the red dresses on. Amen

                                                                         

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